Rod to Heloisa and Piet

Piet & Heloisa,

Yesterday I spent the day trying to be aware of any emotional aspects that arose during my daily activities. It was a busy day, the day before our congressional elections. Even so, I often noticed subtle feelings arise that were sometimes attached to specific events, but at other times seemed to come from nowhere in particular. Eventually I realized that these disconnected feelings, which were consistently negative, were part of a low-level depression that I've been experiencing for several days. Oddly, I had not previously identified those feelings even though I was vaguely aware that I had not been feeling "perky" or "energized."

Each time the feelings arose to the point that I could identify them, they seemed to pass away leaving me feeling lighter. A similar passing away occurred with other feelings that arose but were not part of the depression.

I tried to look at the feelings strictly as bodily sensations without labeling in as to cause. It was difficult to pinpoint the exact sensations, however. The main ID-marks that I could recount were more to do with what I was NOT feeling, rather than what I WAS feeling. These included a lack of motivation, a lack of energy, and a lack of involvement. In terms we've used before in our dialog, there were many, many layers of plastic wrap between me and the world. I felt as if I were just going through the motions and remaining somewhat remote from whatever activity I was involved in.

The fact of awareness did not completely shake me out of the mild depression, but it really helped me to notice those feelings when they arose. At those moments I could say to myself, "There's that feeling again," and it would simply fade into the background.

Owing, I think, to dealing with the negative feelings of depression, I was not able to focus on the second phase of Heloisa's Proposal: the consideration of "Who am I?" I intentionally looked in that direction several times, but it was much too remote from the "drift" that I was experiencing to look closely at.

I very much appreciate the opportunity to become aware of my feelings of depression as they arose and fell away, and I thank Heloisa for her suggestion of looking at feelings divorced from content. This is a major feature of Vipassana meditation, but I had never tried it before outside the confines of the "45-minute" meditation boundaries. I intend to incorporate this technique into my daily life, as I think it is highly valuable.

Rod