Maria's Monthly Summary

In looking back over the weekly summaries, I am reminded that practice just fluctuates, some clear days and some very foggy days. I guess it will always be like that except maybe the understanding will deepen and the mind will be more stable and less confused.

In the beginning of the practice, I was concentrating on seeing the completeness picture and try to integrate my personal self with the greater self-nature which is all encompassing and complete. I thought I had great insights and was beginning to develop a deeper understanding of the true nature. I concentrated on seeing the "dreamlike quality of life". All went well, so I thought, until life threw me a couple of challenges that made me see that I was missing the mark and brought me back to the basics.

It is easy to fool oneself into complacency and entirely miss the point when life goes well and there is nothing to challenge that notion. So, I found that it is only when I catch myself complaining about this or that, dreading some upcoming event or person, fearing about the future, or wishing to go on vacation, then I am able to see more clearly the mind in action and that I am way off the mark. So many of my usual aversions or desires are minor and mundane that I haven't paid enough heed to them and they have become habitual. I disregard them by thinking that is just a minor complaint here or there, or that there is no harm in wishing for this or that. But now, I think it is actually very obstructive to the practice. Any complaining, wishing, fearing, worrying, anticipating are all means to see that we've missed the point and are not living in presence and completeness.