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The inner maelstrom that arises from long hours of intense hospital work
leaves the mind spinning - adrift amidst thoughts, wild emotions, and
generalized chaotic movement. It has been interesting to witness this past
week, as work obligations were intense. Often as I sat the mind simply took
off running, like a puppy that is finally released from its leash. At first
there was some sadness and judgment about not being calm, not being in a
place of pure inner peace as I sat, but this gave way to a simple attitude
of watching and waiting to see what would happen next. I became more
comfortable with the lack of control, to the point of abandoning entirely
the concept of control on several occasions as it was useless to try to
corral the mind. An interesting aspect of this is that my initial fear in
abadoning control was that it would somehow translate into other areas of my
life where control seems necessary, like managing a patients fluids,
medications, or ventilator settings. But this did not happen; there was no
barrier to accessing the analytical mind's capacity to make effective
decisions - if anything, that capacity was enhanced.
It also offered glimpses into the glaring reality that I am not my thoughts,
my emotions, or my body. That there is something else that was aware of all
of these events arising and passing away within the mind. Leaving thought,
emotion, body as inadequate explanations of self, what about this
awareness? It curiously seemed only to be present only in the context of
another event; attempts to define its form or its nature were met with
circular thought patterns that made the awareness more illusory. It was
only there when I stopped asking about it. Awareness has an underlying
presence beneath the surface of the world; it literally is the fly on the
wall. I am excited and inspired to further explore it.