Miles' Quarterly Summary

The practice has opened my to viewing all the ways in which I discredit myself, criticize myself, see myself unworthy.  I began to see the incredible dance of mind that emerges from this judgment and seeks to correct perceived deficits - what I have termed the Miles Self-Improvement Project.  What an incredible waste of mind.  Initial analysis asked whether these were not "problems," but simply the normal vibrations of existence?  What if there is nothing wrong with me?  What if there is no "me" to have anything wrong with?  The last question has proved the most powerful to work with, and it has cut through bouts of self-criticism repeatedly off the cushion.

An additional aspect of the self-improvement project involved looking at how the view I took to practice itself was a perpetuation of my creation of an identity, the identity of the guy who realizes that he has no identity.  But this is just another form of delusional thinking.  Letting go of the obsessive need to practice in a certain fashion, I always found myself coming back to the practice, and a confidence in the ability to allow the practice to flow more openly and freely developed.  It feels less contrived, more in concert with the universe.

It interesting how the practice mirrors events in life, as it is simply a part of life.  Mind calm, mind wild, mind open, mind closed: the practice remains the same.  Initial phases found me judging the practice, frustrated that the mind was not in a perceived idyllic state of calm and peace.  Realizing that this didn't work, an understanding emerged that there is a state of mind beyond calm, beyond peace, that is always present regardless of how many thoughts or actions hang out with it.  Resting with that aspect of mind dropped the concept of thought altogether. 

This leaves a realization that there is a structure to this analysis.  Of looking, sifting through what is found, and questioning it to appreciate the multitude of perspectives that are possible.  Frequently, a realization takes place at some point or another, and is then forgotten until the next time that it is realized.  I find my self "re-discovering" insights all the time.  In moments of confluence with the enormity of the universe, there is nothing to discover, no insight, no re-discovery.  The cycle is futile when viewed from this perspective - why look for what is already there?  So, how to drop this entire manner of analysis?  How to let go of seeking, let go of figuring out, let go of letting go?  It happens when all effort stops.