Maria's Summary

I managed to get my daily practice in this week and I celebrated. However, this week, I found myself complaining a lot, bemoaning this and that. I totally digressed from our working hypothesis of all is complete. Boy, was my world incomplete this week. Constantly I found myself wanting something else, other than what is. I found myself dreaming about having more time alone, thinking about how peaceful it was before the baby, wishing that I could just go off somewhere for a bit. Then a question came that asked, who is the self that wants to be alone and wants more time? Isn't everything the self, so in essence, I am always alone and one. I am never away from myself for an instant, even in the midst of lots of people. Even in the midst of crowds and turmoil, all is still "myself". Also, asked was what is more time. You already have all the time in the world as all is timeless. So in theory, given this new idea, I should be in peace and at ease at all times and should have no need to go into physical isolation. I have been playing with this a bit, but when the baby is screaming, well....

As mentioned in the last email, my mind is not focused and I am not at peace as a part of me is always listening and anticipating the baby's call. I realize that this is false as I am anticipating a future event. I can't stay present as is, from moment to moment. I am waiting for the next moment to happen.

Being so dissatisfied with everything this week, I found myself feeling entirely miserable and saw my suffering and how my negativity contaminated all around me. I felt it deeply. It was nice to see the suffering so plainly and I feel completely responsible for causing my own misery. It made me see that even though I think I understand our working hypothesis, I don't totally believe it and certainly don't live by it. It has all been just fun and games. Some mental exercises. I am really not taken to it seriously. I don't have a burning desire to change. So it was good to be miserable and feel the suffering. This will lead to change.